People who experienced abuse in childhood often feel drawn to similar relationships in adulthood since the brain already recognizes the highs and lows of the cycle.Ī history of trauma can make it even harder to break trauma bonds, but you can learn to stop this cycle. Physical affection or intimacy also prompts the release of oxytocin, another feel-good hormone that can further strengthen bonds. Apologies, gifts, or physical affection offered by the abusive person serve as rewards that help reinforce the rush of relief and trigger dopamine release. You might make excuses for them and justify their behavior to rationalize your need to stay. When thoughts of the abuse become too painful or difficult to bear, you choose to focus on the positive parts of your relationship and ignore or block the rest. Adrenaline and cortisol (the stress hormones) flood in, jump-starting your survival instinct and triggering emotional and physical tension. When you face abuse or fear the possibility of future abuse, your brain recognizes the impending distress and sends a warning to the rest of your body.
Maybe you’re even aware people respond to threats in four different ways: fight, flight, freeze, fawn. Perhaps you’re familiar with the fight-or-flight response, your body’s automatic response to any perceived threat. They also can’t help the development of trauma bonds, which are driven by some pretty strong biological processes. In reality, though, the trauma bond makes this extremely difficult. They might believe you’re perfectly capable of leaving. People who haven’t experienced abuse often find it difficult to understand why people remain in abusive relationships. You might find it difficult to stop thinking about someone who hurt you and feel the urge to reach out or try again. Trauma bonds can linger, even when the abuse happened long ago.
You protect them by keeping abusive behavior secret.You continue to trust them and hope to change them.You make excuses and defend their behavior when others express concern.You fixate on the “good” days, using them to prove they truly care.When you say you want to leave, they promise to change but make no effort actually to do so.When you do try to leave, you feel physically and emotionally distressed.You feel unhappy and may not even like your partner any longer, but you still feel unable to end things.Here’s a look at some other characteristics of traumatic bonds:
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You might feel incomplete or lost without them and eventually return, simply because the abusive cycle is familiar and you don’t know how to live without it yet.
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In this dynamic, you might feel as if they control you to the point where you no longer know how to resist or break free.Įven if you manage to leave the relationship, you might have difficulty breaking that bond without professional help. These bonds also rest on an underlying imbalance of power.
As you slowly regain a sense of trust, you might ignore or suppress memories of their past behavior until the cycle begins again. Some refer to this stage as love bombing.Įventually, love begins to overshadow the fear of further abuse. They might bring you gifts, call you their soul mate, take you out, or urge you to relax. It’s generally easier to leave an entirely bad situation, one where the abusive person never offers any kindness or concern for your well-being.īut in abusive relationships, your partner occasionally does treat you well. A cyclical natureįirst, they depend on intermittent reinforcement. Trauma bonds can look a little different depending on the type of relationship, but they tend to have two main characteristics.
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